d a r k s i d e

You must keep reminding yourself of this.

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I tolde this story to Patrick during oure very boring guitare "exam":

Once I was playing Capture the Flag and it was cold and I had no shoes I got frostbite and my toes fell off so I had to gather them up and glue them back to my feet and I put my socks on but when I took my socks off the glue was stuck to them and I had to pull my toes off and I tried to melt the glue but I just burned my socks and my toes into ashes so I had to make new toes out of clay.

Alle off the top ofe my head, withoute breathing. I was creative that daye. Yesterday. And destructive. But who cares? And todaye was my superlative, kinda. Muche fun. Note to self - busses are not a viable mode of transportatione right after exams. You wille be passed by 3 busses that are too fulle. It will sucke, and you will leave at 12:30 and get to where you want to be by 2. But you will get there and it will be quite pleasante. :) Goodnight.

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I am about to have a superlative week.

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Yesterday night (well, technically this morning), Katie and I had a revelation about why people are cryptic online and why it's not a bad thing. I use this blog to remember my whole life, and since the beginning of high school, it's worked pretty well. I remember events and feelings that I definitely would have forgotten if they weren't here, and even if I have forgotten them, they are all here for me to rediscover. The problem is, some things that happen, I don't want to just SAY, because this is public, and I value my privacy. So I leave clues, little things that set a mood that bring me back to how I felt and why I felt it. There's really a lot more information here than you think, but it's in a form only I can recognize. And the same with all cryptic things anyone posts, I think. So the next time you read this and see something cryptic, just remember, it's not you, it's me.

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Well, somehow I managed to only half-finish my final project in Programming, meaning that I will have to stay after school, and possibly come to the exam tomorrow morning. That would suck. Especially since if I didn't have to, I wouldn't need to come to school at all. I guess I'll have to just work my ass off for an hour after school. Oh, well. Ummm... I have nothing more to say. I think this blog is diminishing again. I think I might take a break and just be cryptic all the time again. We'd like that right? Or maybe not. This class...is over.

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ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH. it will work eventually. Ignore the lack of html skills behind the site.

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Yeah, I know, you don't have to tell me. This site is incredibly sexy. BECAUSE of photoshop. It pleases me greatly. Brendan Steigmier stole my right shoe today, and ran inside, so what I did, I went inside, and my many numerous minions brought him to me with the shoe, and I smote him mightily, ramming it down his throat. I then proceeded to flay his skin from his flesh, and made comfy moccasins from his epidermis. Except not. Really, I went inside barefoot, and was stopped by an evil security lady at which point I had to explain to her in detail where my shoes were. Fortunately, during that time, Lizzi found my shoe, which Brendan had left somewhere inside. LIZZI YOU ARE MY SAVIOR. So I was late to English. But that flaying thing, that is in Brendan's near future. And I got a 211 on my PSAT. 98th percentile, baby! Then home, then photoshop yay.

Days until freedom (exams, end of semester): 3

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LAYER ONE:
- birthplace: Georgetown
- current: Takoma Park
- eye color: green/blue/gray
- hair color: brown
- height: 5'10" ish
- righty or lefty: right
- zodiac sign: leo
- names you go by: zack, xack, xaq
LAYER TWO:
- your heritage: irish, ukranian
- the shoes you wore today: sharpie-improved tims
- your fears: death by suffocation
- your perfect pizza: crust, sauce, cheese
- your goals: play lots of bass, die happy
LAYER THREE:
- your most overused phrase on AIM: heh
- your thoughts first waking up: mmuugrhhhh
- your bedtime: ~11:30
- your favorite memory: Louis's bar mitzvah party in 7th grade
LAYER FOUR:
- pepsi or coke: coke, preferably neither
- mcdonald's or burger king: mcdonalds
- single or group dates: single
- adidas or nike: SATAN
- lipton ice tea or nestea: whatever
- chocolate or vanilla: depends
- cappuccino or coffee: chai
LAYER FIVE:
- smoke: nope
- cuss: often
- sing: frequently alone, reluctantly in company, not very well/not a well as i would like to
- take a shower everyday: heh, no
- have a crush: good question
- do you think you've been in love: what a crazy question
- want to go to college: 70% of the time
- high school: is a necesary evil
- want to get married: eventually
- believe in yourself: yeah
- get motion sickness: never
- think you're attractive: incredibly
- think you're a health freak: no
- get along with your parent(s): mostly
- like thunderstorms: indeeeed
- play an instrument: do i need to answer this? BASS
LAYER SIX:
ever:
- drank alcohol: no
- smoked: no
- done an illegal drug: no
- had sex: no
- made out: yes
- gone to the mall: yes
- eaten an entire box of oreos: no, but add that to my goals up there in layer whatever
- eaten sushi: seafood bleh
- been on stage: yes
- been dumped: yes
- gone skating: yep
- made homemade cookies: NATIONAL COOKIE DAY LAST MOINDAY IN JANUARY - the 26th!!!
- gone skinnydipping: yes
- dyed your hair: blooooo
- stolen anything: no
LAYER SEVEN:
ever...
- played a game that required removal of clothing: ugh, yes
- if so, was it mixed company: heh, yeah
- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: no
- been caught "doing something": ...no?
- with yourself?: no
- been called a tease: no
- gotten beaten up: no
LAYER EIGHT:
- age you hope to be married: is this when i want to get married or how long i want to be married? maybe like, 30ish - death
- numbers and names of children: i dunno
- describe your dream wedding: i dunno
- how do you want to die: for my beliefs or at ground zero in a nuclear explosion, becasue your nerves get vaporized before they can transmit the pain to your brain. your brain too, actually.
- what do you want to be when you grow up: BASS
- what country would you most like to visit: Japan, Norway, UK, India
LAYER NINE:
in a significant other...
- best eye color? any is fine
- best hair color? see above
- short or long hair: long
- height: shorter than me
- best weight: not really fat? dunno
- best articles of clothing: what does this mean? best outfit or my favorite article of clothign on a girl? fuck this question.
- best first date location: i dunno
- best first kiss location: on the lips
LAYER TEN:
- # of drugs taken illegally: 0
- # of people i could trust with my life: you know who you are
- # of CDs that i own: 49
- # of piercings: none
-# of tattoos: none, maybe later
# of scars on my body: several
Currents:
- current clothes: XP LaserSport tshirt, green plaid flannel shirt, green cargo pants, pajamas under for fuzzy warmth.
- current mood: grrr i'm at school again
- current taste: remembering bagel
- current hair: tied back as usual
- current annoyance: this computer stool hurts my butt
- current smell: dry computer room smell
- current thing you ought to be doing: nothing
- current desktop picture: here it's blair, at home its a picture of theis really scary goth-bondage cow. ask me about it.
- current book: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
- current refreshment: I am thirsty as hell
- current worry: semester grades
- current crush: leave me alone
- current favorite celebrity: maynard, as usual

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...you can't get what you want, and shouldn't have what you can get? WHAT THEN, HUH?

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Weekend: sick on Friday, no film with Lizzi, doctor, weird asthma thing, Eris practice minus Adam/Elisabeth, left bass at Leslie's, bowling, tied with Jossie for 1st, Emily's house = foosball + air hockey + Pearl Harbor, sleep late Saturday, missed Aikido, missed CTF, didn't get bass from Leslie's, skating with Nessa, wake early on sunday, frantically arrange things, Obelisk practice canceled, Obelisk practice back on, Obelisk practice bad, Alex's house = Tilly + cleaver of separation + the Darkness, go home to clean, sleep.

Nessa gave me The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand to read, and even a 6th in, it's already blowing my mind. Expect a large revelation upon literary completion. Also, if anyone has a copy of 1984 they could lend me, I would be much obliged.

Days until freedom (exams, end of semester): 4

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• The Past
• High School
• Warren G. Harding
• Choral Concerts
• Germs

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There's never enough time for anything. For example, there are so many experiences I want to have, so many things I want to learn, but only 4 years of high school. And there are requirements and stuff that get in the way of doing what I want. I want to play bass for jazz band and take photography and take an art class that's more than just arts and crafts and take music theory and learn Latin and there's just no SPACE anywhere. And I HATE school anyway. Sometimes. Because there are moments of great triumph but those moments are often lost in the sea of pointless drudgery we are drowned in EVERY DAY in this building. I know this has been said before, but how much of this do we REALLY need to know? RIGHT NOW, I am sitting in a "class" surfing the web. I did this last class too. And the class before. So every couple of days I waste an hour and a half that will never come back. Maybe I should be home schooled, at least then I could move at my own pace, which is apparently considerably faster than most other peoples. Also, if I were home-schooled, my mentor-type person would me MR. SMITH! Yes, that Mr. Smith. How cool would that be? But my whole life is here, which is sad. There are so many people here that I would probably never see again if I left. And I really want the experience of graduating. Agh, and college will probably tear most of us away from each other anyway. WHY? IT'S NOT FAIR! Like I said before, everything is homework's fault. Blah, blah, blah...
Why are you reading this?
I said something about this at the end of a post a while ago, but I forgot to expand on it. At Bruno's party, like 3 weeks ago, we were talking about suicide, and I had an interesting thought. If you really think about it, the best way to assure that you have a good life is not to have one at all, that is, to die. If you use pure logic, the only asnwer is suicide: life is painful with little respite, you will not get what you want most of the time, and you die in the end anyway. Fortunately (is it?) most people don't use logic. Humans are genetically programmed to fight for their lives to the very last. Maybe people who are suicidal are just uber-logical. But that's usually not the case. Usually it's "AHHHHH LIFE SUCKS GET ME OUT", not, "I've thought this through, and I think the best choice is to kill myself." Or is it? I really don't know, I'm not suicidal, and I have never really had dealings with anyone who is. Not enough to know their motives. Another thing is, no one knows what happens when you die. I mean, what happens to your...soul? The part of you that knows and feels things. I'm a very scientific thinker, so I believe that there must be a physical representation, a soul organ. Somewhere, there is a part of us that IS that. I have a hard time believing there isn't. But maybe there isn't. That leaves a whole slew of possibilities for what happens after death. I think my favorite version of that is reincarnation. Because unlike the Christian view of heaven and hell, it doesn't call for some reigning deity. Well, whatever, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, which I hope will be a long time from now. I wonder how long I'll keep this blog...

Anyway, back to earth. IMPORTANT MESSAGE: if I told you about the show Eris (my band, if you didn't know) is in on Friday at 7, I LIED. Or rather, it was postponed AGAIN, now to February 27th, maybe. More info later. One thing you can be sure of, this means more practice time, which means better rocking! Which we can definitely do. WE had a practice Tuesday and played ALL our songs (there are only three but this is a big accomplishment for us.), and the were good, but a little rough, but now with an extra month and a half to bring it together, we will DOMINATE. Well, I guess that's all for now.

I hate homework.

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Heh, "new years reVolution". That looks a lot sillier 5 days later and not half-asleep. Oh, well. It stays, fuck you. This was a weird weekend. My parents went out of town for 5 days, so I had to stay with people Friday through Monday nights. On Friday I went to RotK at the Uptown with Will, and we saw really cool previews. Movies I want to see in 2004:

• "Hellboy"
• "The Chronicles of Riddik"
• "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"
• "The Butterfly Effect"

and...............

SPIDERMAN 2!!!

That excites me greatly. With DR. OCTOPUS!!! Woot. That movie will rock. And Return of the King was good, too. Muahahah. Then we went back to Will's house and watched Woodstock. It was very cool. Where the fuck was I back then? How come nobody told me about it? Oh, wait...never mind. Then we watched a few shows of this hilarious British comedy called Coupling. It's like Friends, but WAY better. Then we slept.

Saturday morning Bruno's family picked me up at 10 because we were gonna go play paintball! And we did. It was very cool. I was kinda nervous at first, cuz there were all these scary twenty somethings in camouflage, with big shiny guns and a billion extra canisters of paintballs, but once we started playing, it was alright. It sure is a rush being shot at, even if it's just paintballs. But damn, those things hurt. But either way, it still kicked ass and is definitely something I will continue to do in the future. After paintball we hung out at Bruno's house for a while, then went to Fugitive. It was fun. I finally mastered navigation of the forest in the back, so I was ruling at least as a Fugitive. As a cop I sucked. People are heavy. One time as a fugitive, Nick, Andy, and Andrew were dragging me to the jail, and I tried to kick back to hit one of 'em in the shin, but instead I got a knee in the calf, and it hit a nerve or sometign and hurt like hell. It's not quite better even now.

On Sunday all we (Bruno and I) went up to Chevy Chase Pavilion. I had reserved Fuel's (no longer quite so) new cd at a Sam Goody there like, 4 months ago, and when we went back there, the Sam Goody was GONE. And I had already put down two dollars for that CD. Bummer. We went to Borders, and with $78.85 out of my gift cards, I got:

• Faceless - Alice in Chains
• permission to Land - The Darkness (HAHAHAHAHAHAH, check them out, it will blow your mind)
• It's All in Your Head - Eve6
• As Good as Dead - Local H
• an absurdly expensive 96-CD holder - a necessary evil
• the latest issue of Bass Guitar magazine

Score! And I still have $11.15 left! I could get a cheap CD later! Or dare I say it...A BOOK! Whatever.

Ah, Monday. Back to school. Woke up ok, good bagel, bus, get to school, see people, receive gift of Apostrophe (') - Frank Zappa from Nick, wonder why there's no band practice, digital art - leisurely, guitar - leisurely, chemistry - ugh, moles suck, lunch - Bruno's dad doesn't use enough jelly, capture the flag on tennis courts, minimal rockage, english - space out, PE - still sucks, except for right now with badminton. Then I went home for a while, surfed the net, played bass, fed cats. Then back to Bruno's. Homework, burritos, hot chocolate, walk dogs, sleep. That book Eragon is very entertaining. It's not really deep literature, but it's a fun read.
If you can read this you're dying.
My parents get back today, and I am thankful. It wouldn't bother me so much if the place I was staying at changed, but I've been with Bruno for the past 3 days. Which is a lot of Bruno. So yeah. Ms. McManus gave the class yet another ENTIRE PERIOD to finish a project I finished close to a month ago. I can't tell is everyone in the class is just dumb, or she just sucks as a teacher. Oh well. I leave you with this:

You high fivin' mother fucker.
You hiiiiigh fivin' mother fucker.
YOU high fivin' mother fucker.
You high fiiiivin' mother fucker.

Trust Katie on issues relating to music. She knows things.

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This has been quite an interesting new year's. Yesterday I went to Lizzi/Katie's new years thingie. I am probably not supposed to say that. It was fun, but there was something weird... I spent most of the time hanging out with Lizzi on the stairs, because we were both feeling kinda anti-social. Well, I won't say that, I was feeling kinda anti-social, and light-averse. And they kept turning on the TV. TV is a vast wasteland. And the crazy thing, we all watched the ball drop on TV. We just stopped what we were doing completely, and gave our brains to the tube. Ew. I hated that.

I revolve to keep my me in the face of mass media.

I think next new year's I'm just going to have a kickass time, let 2005 come, I don't care about a countdown or a ball dropping. Like at Weekends of Doom, in Alex's basement, there's no sense of time, no windows to see the sun rise, we go down at night, we come out, it's morning. Like magic. That's how new year's should be.

I revolve to periodically remove myself from the flow of time.

At one point, we all decided to go for a walk, but Jeff and I went the other direction and sat in the street and said and felt nothing important. I don't know why I did that. I wanted to go to the park. Jeff has some strange power over me. As do many other people.

I revolve to do what I want, regardless of some values I think I should have but don't really need.

We played Mafia and no one believed me when I said it was Sebastian, so the Mafia won. Failures. Lizzi and Monica and I went to the deck and reminisced about innocence and we decided we were going to play Peter Pan, and but no one else seemed very into it. So we went inside. I was gonna be Peter Pan. She was going to be my Wendy.

I revolve to never REALLY grow up. (Doesn't show in this entry, does it?)

Then Bruno and I went to my house and he slept over and I had a good dream. No, not that kind of dream. And this little kid who hangs out with my brother, this little fucker calls out house again and again, and when no one picks up, he calls again, and if you are trying to SLEEP this is a problem.

I revolve to sleep more.

My family had it's open house thing again. Lizzi, Jeff, Louis, Carter, Bruno, Katie, Emma, Will, and Sebi came. I TRIED to call Nessa, but her phone was busy ALL DAY. I bet if I called right now it would still be busy. Lizzi brought her camera so she could film Jeff and I rocking, and MAN did we rock. We played Freedom and Schism. It felt gooood. Then we went outside and we went to the creek and had an adventure but OH, Lizzi left her camera at the bridge and when we came back half an hour later it was GONE. We looked and looked, and I asked my parents and all of my siblings if they had seen it, and even various neighbors and guests, but we couldn't find it. I know it wasn't my fault, but I still feel responsible somehow, and I feel really terrible, and I wish I could undo everything and get it back. Damn, it's not even that important, but I'm freaking out anyway. I'm gonna go back out tomorrow and look for it (hopelessly, I'm sure, but a boy can dream, can't he?), when it's light. I shouldn't get my hopes up. Sorry, Lizzi!!!

I feel depressed. This has been a very angsty last few days. I don't know why. And I feel sick-ish and my parents are leaving for a few days, so I have to stay with various other people, and I don't really want to. I just want to lie in bed until school starts again. Or longer.

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