d a r k s i d e

w e l c o m e t o t h e m a c h i n e


Stop being messed up, you furry FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 14:35     
Blogger no worky...
posted by Xaq Rothman at 02:00     
ARRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FIRST Maddy is telling me about this party at Linda's with jamming, and I can't go, cuz I'm going to Kevin's party with Nessa, but then Nessa has to go to some bar mitzvah, so she can't do anything, and I haven't seen her for a WEEK and a half. So, then I can come to the jamming party. But not really, cuz Kevin's party is still going, and then my dad is like "Kay called to remind you about the band practice today, but I told her that you couldn't come."
"Why not?"
"Michael's baseball game."
WHAT?!?!?! So now there are like, 4 things I wanna do today, added to the torture of STILL not being able to get together with Nessa, and I really miss her and want to see her, and my cousins are here and my parents are gonna be all "NO YOU HAVE TO SPEND ALL YOUR WAKING HOURS WITH NOAH AND LINNEA WHO FLEW 3000 MILES TO SEE YOU." And even though I love 'em, I don't want to devote my summer to them. AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 12:51     
WOOOOOT!!! Posting from the beach!! I love internet cafes. I'm having lots of fun here (though I did get a bit of a sunburn). So, yeah, this place is pretty cool. Last night, there were these guys playing guitar, and sarah and I went down to listen. This asshole came up and put some money in their case, and said, "Here's 50 cents, but you guys gotta shut the fuck up!" A minute or so passed, and Sarah got up and put a buck in and said, "Here's a daollar if you keep going." ROCK ON, SARAH! And the bass player let me play his bass, and it was good. So, I'll be back in a couple of days. Yah.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 17:33     
So, I'm off to Bethany Beach tomorrow. I'm not feeling particularly witty right now, so the post will end here. See y'all Saturday.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 22:30     

If I were a stone, I would be: like a stone
If I were a tree, I would be: RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!
If I were a bird, I would be: somethign that flies really fast and kills small animals
If I were a machine, I would be a: a giant robot
If I were a tool, I would be: a big fucking hammer
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: fragrant
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: a warm summer night
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a dragon (i'm sooooooo original)
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: BASS!!!
If I were an animal, I would be a: snake
If I were a color, I would be: deep blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: histerical revelation
If I were a vegetable, I would be: a potato
If I were a sound, I would be: the sound a sword makes when you pull it out of the sheath and plunge it into a person shortly afterward
If I were an element, I would be: FIRE!!!!!
If I were a car, I would be: the Z3
If I were a song, I would be: Parabol/Parabola - T00L
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be: no one, dude, my life is awesome right now
If I were a movie, I would be: the Matrix
If I were a food, I would be: a green apple
If I were a place, I would be: Takoma Park
If I were a material, I would be: i dont understand this question
If I were a taste, I would be: goooooooood
If I were a scent, I would be: spring
If I were a religion, I would be: ethical culture
If I were a word, I would be: motherfucker
If I were an object, I would be: a rope
If I were a body part I would be: fingers
If I were a facial expression I would be: laughter
If I were a subject in school I would be: philosophy
If I were a cartoon character I would be: ZIM!!!!!!
If I were a video game character I would be: Link from Zelda
If I were a shape I would be an: a dodecahedron
If I were a number I would be: 1023
If I were a month I would be: August
If I were a day of the week I would be: saturday
If I were a time of day I would be: 10:23!!!!!
If I were a planet I would be: saturn
If I were a sea animal I would be a: giant squid
If I were a direction I would be: up
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a lamp
If I were a sin I would be: oooooh, lust, most definitely
If I were a historical figure I would be: Einstein
If I were a liquid I would be: ROOT BEER!!!!!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 00:43     

Paradigm shift:

He woke up on Sunday, and took a long shower. He walked downstairs, and grabbed some cereal, thinking of her the whole time. He couldn't wait to see her. He sat down with the book he was reading, hoping to pass the time quicker, and get to 1:00 as fast as possible. And so time passed. It passed right on through 1 and straigt up to 1:30. She still wasn't there yet. The conversation was beginning in his head.


"Hi, Zack, I'm really sorry, I'm not coming today"

"And when were you planning to call and tell me that?"


"You know, if you just don't want to see me, tell me, it's better than being paranoid all the time."

It would only get worse from there. He called, and her mom picked up.

"She's already at the pool," she said. Already?

"Ok, thanks anyway." He started to think. Oh, darn, of course she's avoiding me. What? Why would she be avoiding me? At the pool already? She was supposed to be HERE now, and go to the pool at 4. He checked the messages, only the slightest sliver of hope clinging on.

"Hi Zack, I have some news to break your heart." Oh, god, here it comes. "I can't come over today because-" I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down. Sing it, Maynard. "-I'm going to be at the pool from 12:30 to 7:00, because Anna can't work those hours, so she's going to be there from 4 to 8:30 instead of me. I'm really sorry, I'll call around 8. Love you, bye!"

LOVE YOU!!!! It was 1:40, and life was about a million shades brighter than ten minutes ago. He couldn't wait for monday.

posted by Xaq Rothman at 00:08     
posted by Xaq Rothman at 00:11     
My, personalized, custom insult:
What a putrid putrid waste of a penis you are, you ridiculous little mascara face-painted Jerk-In-The-Box. You couldn't get a date if you bought them dried in a tin, you under-medicated, rump-ruptured chronic self-abuser. You're the kind of greasy, giggling, girly gombeen who buys STDs from a viral lab just to make it look like you get laid. Who the hell told you that you are attractive? Mr. Magoo? You're the kind pathological liar who even lies to an insult generator. All left-wingers are chronic alcoholics who molest small animals, masturbate behind bushes, and wear fish-net tights while singing Elton John songs. You four-eyed, cerebrally-deluded, Einstein-impersonating, pseudo-intellectual nerdturd with a head full of misfiring synapses. Tall people are crap in bed. Your weight may well be proportional, but you've got cellulite that makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic. Get a job, you goddamn leach! You're as useful as a handbrake on a canoe, you clog-hopping simpleton. I love that suit you're wearing. You never throw anything away, do you? Try this maneuver: Take 50-60 paces backwards. Take several deep breaths. Sprint forward at full speed. Do a triple summersault through the air, and disappear up your own asshole.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 12:36     
I AM FINALLY FREE!!!! Yes, indeed, school is over and I don't have to worry about it for a nice, long two months. And I have plenty of other things to keep my mind off it. Well, people, actually. Well, person. Yep. I'll just end here and leave you cringing in suspense, knowing I'm happIer than ever and not knowing why. HAHAH!!! LOOK AT 'EM SQUIRM!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 20:25     

He, sir, that must marry this woman. Therefore, you
clown, abandon,--which is in the vulgar leave,--the
society,--which in the boorish is company,--of this
female,--which in the common is woman; which
together is, abandon the society of this female, or,
clown, thou perishest; or, to thy better
understanding, diest; or, to wit I kill thee, make
thee away, translate thy life into death, thy
liberty into bondage: I will deal in poison with
thee, or in bastinado, or in steel; I will bandy
with thee in faction; I will o'errun thee with
policy; I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways:
therefore tremble and depart.
(As You Like It, Act V, scene I)
posted by Xaq Rothman at 16:36     
posted by Xaq Rothman at 22:00     
I got online at 1, and I've been working on the newest upgrades to the site ever since. You are going to be blown away.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 19:53     

posted by Xaq Rothman at 13:26     

Oh, boy, this site is going to be so cool...
posted by Xaq Rothman at 00:58     
And of course, Blogger takes this opportunity to fail me.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 23:55     

Well, it's only about 5 minutes until the 15th is over, but I delivered like I said I would. This is the first post on the complete, all new Dark Side.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 23:54     
talking to zack is strangely like being anally probed--but not painful and fun and interesintg
algold1's Xanga Site

posted by Xaq Rothman at 19:43     

WOOT!!! At Bruno's house. We're about to go to Old Town and get me some picks (all mine suck or broke long ago) yeah, and we're going with Alex, and maybe Jacki. Anyway--

Countdown to site move (http://fearthe1023.tripod.com/): 2
posted by Xaq Rothman at 15:51     

I hate school. I was up all last night organizing my backpack,a nd finding all the billions of pags of work I have to do before monday if I want to stay at Blair with all my friends. I also hate my complete lack of motivation. For some reason, I just CAN NOT make myself do homework. That's why I accumulate so much make-up work. Today it the last Friday (13th! COOL!) of the school year!!!! I'm supposed to be able to got to the pool with Bruno, or go burn stuff with Brandon and Louis, or go play music with Jeff, but instead, I'm staying after in the Media Center until 4!!! This really fucking sucks. And, I'm gonna be in deep shit with the machine, cuz I was supposed to stay at the IMC until 4 on Friday and Monday, but I only stayed til 3, cuz I'm a dumb ass who forgets that Ms. Keefer is good at negotiating and I could EASILY convince her to let me leave at 3. Instead, I will either get ISS when I go see her (not as if I know when the can DO that, considering this is the last day of school, and all the days next week are exam days), or I could just not go see her, and have a blemish[at this point, Mr. Dorsett came into the room, a noticed yesterday's last post, and kicked me off the computer. i'm gonna finish as though i'm still sitting there. or not. whatever] on my conscience for the rest of the summer. Whatever. I'm almost free.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 08:39     
Don't forget, I'm moving to a new site with a whole new, cookass layout. If i were you, I'd just bookmark the new site now, because if you think my blog was cool before...just wait. Right now the new site is really just a glorified journal, but I will start adding things, more animation, specialized pages (links, archives, quizzes, hit list...), and other cool stuff. It's like, Operation Impending Doom 3 squared. No, cubed!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 22:07     

posted by Xaq Rothman at 19:53     
So I ALMOST find a way to get my new blog to WORK, but NOOOOO, instead of touching, some of the images dont even APPEAR!!!! Visit this site and see if you can't figure it out.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 08:52     

WOOT!!!! We have paint!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 07:44     

Tech Ed again. These computers always have AIM, cuz bad little childen put it on here, but noone cool is ever on, but today Kevin is home sick, so I get to talk to him. No big developments since yesterday. Bored bored bored. I wonder if this computer has paint. If it does, maybe then I could work on the Tripod site. Hmmm...
posted by Xaq Rothman at 07:43     
By the way, it was Spin the Bottle, not just a random (french WOOT) kiss in a moment of passion...too bad.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 21:44     

Long and short of it is, in chronological order:
  • I like Nessa.
  • I kissed Nessa.
  • I sat on the couch.
  • Morgan sat on ME and asked if I was sad.
  • I thought Morgan liked me.
  • I tried not to like Morgan, not trusing my instincts.
  • I failed.
  • I talked to Morgan.
  • I don't like Morgan.
  • I got a letter from Nessa saying "I'm sorry if it was a little awkward, but it's good to know you don't hate me. Thanks."
  • I am very confused.
What the HELL? I NEVER hated Vanessa. Well, yeah, but that was only because I was 11 and I hated every girl. Just the opposite in fact. Oh, boy, I hope she doesn't read this before I get to her...ummm...if you see this before I talk to you...don't remember it.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 20:23     
posted by Xaq Rothman at 21:10     

If I were you, I would read that whole thing below, it made people look at me weird in class cuz I was laughing so hard. I hate Tech Ed. I hate school. Like I said, only two more weeks and then freedom, but oh, what a two weeks it will be. Someone should have a really big (non-fucking oriented) party to celebrate the end of freshman year. Or just the year. YAH!!! I think Bruno and I might be doing something like, the DAY after Carter's party, but I think there was some reason that we couldn't, but I don't remember what it was...darn. I think I will take this last half our I'm stuck in this class to FINALLY write about my last 10 days. Ok, so on Friday, May 30th, I did two things. I played in a softball game and, we won very gracefully, it was tied until the bottom of the last inning. I also went to WES to help decorate the hall for the ceremony that was the next day. So Saturday, May, 31st, I got up and went to Aikido, and I don't really remember anythign in particular about the class, but that's ok. My dad picked me up and we went to WES to practice my speech, where we discovered that not ONE of the baloons we had blown up the day before was still floating. We called the Falcons and Paul said he would take care of it. We went back home and I lounged around until about 4, when I took a shower and did all that othe hygiene stuff, got dressed and at 5:30, we left for WES to be at the ceremony. The ceremony went VERY well. I gave my speech pretty easily, and even got a few laughs ("I want to thank my parents at least for the simple act of copulation..."). Afterward, all my friends were ther, so we hung out. Louis suggested playing strip poker...still stuck at Morgan's party back in March. That party has had a lot of influence lately...more on that in a second. So, the next day, we went BACK to WES for the platform, and I gave another wonderful speech, and then...I went to Alex's house. Oh, god, then I went BACK TO WES (!!!) to babysit, but that was ok, because I made $30 for like, 3 hours of real work. Not really, even, $30 dollars to draw pictures for kids and play with a soccer ball. Anyway, I went back to Alex's and then, the Night of DOOM began, FINALLY. I had come late, so I hung out while Jeff, Alex, Louis, and Bruno finished up their game of Risk. Later we looked at really funny site online, and we talked to some people online. Jeff of course, had to leave (curse the parents!), and then i forget what happened, but anyway, we ended up in Alex's newly finished (and completely AWESOME) basement, and Bruno had brought his PS2, and Alex brought his speakers from hell downstairs, and goddammit, it was fun. We watched The Usual Suspects, we listened to about 8 full CDs, we talked about girls, sex, what to expect at Nessa's surprise party the coming Friday (like I said, more on that in a minutes), girls, and, of course, sex. And maybe the Matrix, but if we did, I forgot. The one thing we did NOT do...is sleep. Literally. That day (those days) I was awake for 38.5 hours straight. It was awsome. On Monday, we went to see Reloaded again (still awesome) and I finally caught the trailer at the end this time. Of course, we had to pay my dad to but a ticket and come in with us, then sneak out, cuz he had stuff to do, but that was ok. We took the metro back. It felt like a million years between leaving school on Friday and coming back on Tuesday, but come back, I did. Through some strange circumstances, I was somehow assigned Academic Support after school everyday until this Friday, so nothing good happened last week during the school week, until Friday, which we all know...was the party. Oh, man, and what a party. Went to Morgan's at 6. Morgan and Nessa (and Krista, which was very unexpected) came at 7:30. Since we weren't expecting Krista, we were surprised when she walked past the door, so one of us who shall remain nameless accidentally called out "SUP-" before he realized she wasn't Nessa, fortunately, Nessa walked by just a second after, so we still scared the shit out of her. Then the party began. The first half was pretty good. We hung out in Morgan's backyard (which was full of dog poop and people (I) kept accidentally stepping in it -- barefoot) and we had pizza and listened to music and Nessa pinced my ass twice WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!? MIXED MESSAGES SUCK!!!! Anyway, after we had pizza, we went inside, and of course, someone suggested that we play strip poker. That wasn't going fast enough for some people, so we skipped right ahead to Spin the Bottle. I kissed 3 people -- two were guys, but one...was Nessa. That was rather enjoyable, but I know I really shouldn't have done it, but it was so good, and now the bell is ringing and I'll continue this story at a later time.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 09:01     

If "The Matrix: Reloaded" were a gangsta rap video

Reloaded spoilers

This is the follow-up to The Matrix:ReSeussed.

No One Can Tell You (What The Chronic Is)

by Tom

(If The Matrix: Reloaded were a gangsta rap video)

[Music: Fade in background music, distant gunshots, distant sirens. Cross fade to sounds of glasses clinking and women moaning.]

[Visual: The camera pans across the park where, in Reloaded, Neo meets with the Oracle and then fights Agent Smith. A group of Fly Girls are standing up against the walls, waiting.]

Morpheus (speaking, as voice-over): No one can tell you what the chronic is, you have to smoke it for yourself.

[Music: A rap beat begins.]

[Visual: Neo drives up in a tricked-out black convertible, which is visibly shaking from its massive stereo system pounding out the beat. Neo steps out, leans back against the car, takes a final drag on his blunt and tosses it on the ground.]

Neo (rapping):

Yo, Cypher was a zero but I'm the One.
I'm the reloaded hero with the big black gun.
I was born in the Matrix, y'all, back in the hood
but I took the red pill and it went down good
with an Absolut chaser and a twist o' lime.
In the desert of the real I'm a bust a rhyme.

I can walk a tightrope after drinkin' a fifth,
stop a bullet in the air, slap Agent Smith
straight down to the floor, plumb through to the cella,
and I'm mackin' every tasty little Zion cave dwella.
Blowin' into your town like a pimp typhoon,
stirrin' coffee with my mind 'cause there ain't no spoon.

[Visual: the Fly Girls step away from the wall and start a slow, undulating dance.]

Fly Girls (singing):

No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself. Ooooh-ooo-ooooh.
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself.

Neo (rapping):

I'm the N to the E-O, a man of means,
mad kung fu skillz to submarine the machines,
now I'm takin' my game to the digitized streets
where the sucka AI's know I can't be beat.
Not afraid of algorithms or electronics --
I trump the chumps 'cause I've got the chronic.
I'm high on the red pill, down with the truth,
if I got to jack out, I got a telephone booth.
I'm the O-N-E and my story's allegorical,
y'all watch me now while I kick it with the Oracle.

[Visual: the Fly Girls' dancing becomes more aggressive and acrobatic.]

Fly Girls (singing):

No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself. Ooooh-ooo-oooh.
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself.

[Visual: Neo approaches the Oracle. Unlike in the movie, here the Oracle's avatar is a gorgeous young Black woman. She wears a neon pink bikini and lounges in a hot tub. A bottle of champagne sits beside her, and she takes a sip from her glass. She slides out of the hot tub to sit on the edge with her legs dangling in the water. The camera zooms in briefly on water droplets running down her body, then zooms back out.]

Oracle (rapping):

I'm gonna lay the funky rhymes down verse by verse
I predict the last word before I've heard the first.
Put your hands in the air for my Oracle style
'cause I'm from the old school like an ASCII text file.

Neo, you a playa, you the pimp of the Matrix.
Your girl's fine, dressin' like a dominatrix --
haxor skillz and stiletto heels,
give Trinity props, you know she keepin' it real.

Now have a seat Neo 'cause I know you will later.
Cozy up to me, don't be no Oracle-hater.
We both got the munchies so eat this candy.
I knew before I bought it, it would come in handy.

You ask, "Oracle, Oracle, on the wall,
how can I sit back while my shorty takes the fall?
And all the king's softwarez, and all the king's men
can't bring my baby online again."
But Neo you're fakin' like a masquerade,
'cause that's one choice you know you already made.
You came to hear the "why," and I'll tell you for free:
You need a little old guy, looks like a burned-out Bruce Lee
to hit you with the key that will get you through the door.
And once you're in there, yeah you can rock it hard core.
Go see the Merovingian is what I say,
Now my next party's startin' so I'm on my way.

[Visual: a stretch limo pulls up, with Seraph behind the wheel. The Oracle slips into a fancy silk bathrobe, puts on her high heels, and gets into the limo, which drives away.]

Fly Girls (singing):

No one can tell you what the chronic is,
You have to smoke it for yourself. Ooooh-ooo-oooooh.
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
You have to smoke it for yourself.

[Visual: Agent Smith walks up to Neo. He straightens his tie and begins to rap. As he raps, other copies of Smith take up positions all around him.]

Agent Smith (rapping):

Y'all AI-hataz think you bringin' some game?
There's a hundred in my crew, and we all the same.
When one catch a slug, the rest never complain,
and we spreadin' like a virus all through the mainframe.

Often imitated, I'm crazy replicated,
the Smith on my left was some bitch I once dated.
It's gettin' complicated but I'm tellin' you true:
don't go runnin' to your mama 'cause now she's a Smith, too.

If I catch you with my code, I'll load you up with me,
And then you'll be the S to the M-I-T
to the H, that's Smith, there's an endless supply,
so come step to the beat of the gangsta AI.

[Visual: Neo and all the Agent Smiths fight in the "burly brawl" scene. Neo flies away. The Smiths walk away. Only the Fly Girls remain. The picture becomes pixilated, fades to black, then the camera pulls back, revealing that the black background was the iris of the left eye of the lead Fly girl, as if perhaps the entire scene has been only an idea in her mind. She sits on the ground, her back to the wall. She runs her fingers through her hair and stares into the camera.]

Lead Fly Girl (singing solo):

No one can tell me what the chronic is,
I have to smoke it for myself.
Ooooooh-oooo-ooooooh, yeah-yeah.

[Fade out.]

(First published at http://matrixessays.blogspot.com
This article may be freely reproduced if it is unchanged and this notice is included.)
posted by Xaq Rothman at 08:17     
On 6.15.2003, my blog will be located officially at [http://fearthe1023.tripod.com/]. So, upadte your bookmarks. HAH!!! As if you had this page bookmarked {I know you do}.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 22:11     

posted by Xaq Rothman at 21:42     

Does it work?
posted by Xaq Rothman at 16:25     

Do you think this is too many gray lines?
posted by Xaq Rothman at 00:58     

Also, I am so FUCKING sick of Blogger being fucked up all the time.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 00:55     

Which is doing a pretty good job at sucking, as of Friday (in reference to the actual life I'm going to post about someday).
posted by Xaq Rothman at 00:42     
Someday I'll post about my actual life.
posted by Xaq Rothman at 18:09     
posted by Xaq Rothman at 22:47     

If you know HTML, go here and tell me how to get the pictures to touch. Before you make any suggestions, read the source code for the table, cuz people keep telling me to do things that I've already done and don't work. So, if you find a solution, tell me at ::fearthe1023@lycos.com::. THIS MEANS YOU, EMMA!!! I KNOW YOU CAN HELP ME!!!!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 22:13     
As you can see, my page is changing. It is slowly metamorphosing into what will truly be a webSITE. Check this page EVERYDAY for a change. When I am ready to move, I will give a week's notice before the transition is made. So point your browser at fearthe1023.tripod.com. WOOTAH!!!!!!!
posted by Xaq Rothman at 22:05     


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