d a r k s i d e
w e l c o m e t o t h e m a c h i n e
6.30.2003
He woke up on Sunday, and took a long shower. He walked downstairs, and grabbed some cereal, thinking of her the whole time. He couldn't wait to see her. He sat down with the book he was reading, hoping to pass the time quicker, and get to 1:00 as fast as possible. And so time passed. It passed right on through 1 and straigt up to 1:30. She still wasn't there yet. The conversation was beginning in his head.
"Hi."
"Hi, Zack, I'm really sorry, I'm not coming today"
"And when were you planning to call and tell me that?"
"..."
"You know, if you just don't want to see me, tell me, it's better than being paranoid all the time."
It would only get worse from there. He called, and her mom picked up.
"She's already at the pool," she said. Already?
"Ok, thanks anyway." He started to think. Oh, darn, of course she's avoiding me. What? Why would she be avoiding me? At the pool already? She was supposed to be HERE now, and go to the pool at 4. He checked the messages, only the slightest sliver of hope clinging on.
"Hi Zack, I have some news to break your heart." Oh, god, here it comes. "I can't come over today because-" I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down. Sing it, Maynard. "-I'm going to be at the pool from 12:30 to 7:00, because Anna can't work those hours, so she's going to be there from 4 to 8:30 instead of me. I'm really sorry, I'll call around 8. Love you, bye!"
LOVE YOU!!!! It was 1:40, and life was about a million shades brighter than ten minutes ago. He couldn't wait for monday.
6.29.2003
6.28.2003
"Why not?"
"Michael's baseball game."
WHAT?!?!?! So now there are like, 4 things I wanna do today, added to the torture of STILL not being able to get together with Nessa, and I really miss her and want to see her, and my cousins are here and my parents are gonna be all "NO YOU HAVE TO SPEND ALL YOUR WAKING HOURS WITH NOAH AND LINNEA WHO FLEW 3000 MILES TO SEE YOU." And even though I love 'em, I don't want to devote my summer to them. AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
6.26.2003
6.23.2003
If I were a tree, I would be: RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!
If I were a bird, I would be: somethign that flies really fast and kills small animals
If I were a machine, I would be a: a giant robot
If I were a tool, I would be: a big fucking hammer
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: fragrant
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: a warm summer night
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a dragon (i'm sooooooo original)
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: BASS!!!
If I were an animal, I would be a: snake
If I were a color, I would be: deep blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: histerical revelation
If I were a vegetable, I would be: a potato
If I were a sound, I would be: the sound a sword makes when you pull it out of the sheath and plunge it into a person shortly afterward
If I were an element, I would be: FIRE!!!!!
If I were a car, I would be: the Z3
If I were a song, I would be: Parabol/Parabola - T00L
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be: no one, dude, my life is awesome right now
If I were a movie, I would be: the Matrix
If I were a food, I would be: a green apple
If I were a place, I would be: Takoma Park
If I were a material, I would be: i dont understand this question
If I were a taste, I would be: goooooooood
If I were a scent, I would be: spring
If I were a religion, I would be: ethical culture
If I were a word, I would be: motherfucker
If I were an object, I would be: a rope
If I were a body part I would be: fingers
If I were a facial expression I would be: laughter
If I were a subject in school I would be: philosophy
If I were a cartoon character I would be: ZIM!!!!!!
If I were a video game character I would be: Link from Zelda
If I were a shape I would be an: a dodecahedron
If I were a number I would be: 1023
If I were a month I would be: August
If I were a day of the week I would be: saturday
If I were a time of day I would be: 10:23!!!!!
If I were a planet I would be: saturn
If I were a sea animal I would be a: giant squid
If I were a direction I would be: up
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a lamp
If I were a sin I would be: oooooh, lust, most definitely
If I were a historical figure I would be: Einstein
If I were a liquid I would be: ROOT BEER!!!!!
6.22.2003
6.20.2003
What a putrid putrid waste of a penis you are, you ridiculous little mascara face-painted Jerk-In-The-Box. You couldn't get a date if you bought them dried in a tin, you under-medicated, rump-ruptured chronic self-abuser. You're the kind of greasy, giggling, girly gombeen who buys STDs from a viral lab just to make it look like you get laid. Who the hell told you that you are attractive? Mr. Magoo? You're the kind pathological liar who even lies to an insult generator. All left-wingers are chronic alcoholics who molest small animals, masturbate behind bushes, and wear fish-net tights while singing Elton John songs. You four-eyed, cerebrally-deluded, Einstein-impersonating, pseudo-intellectual nerdturd with a head full of misfiring synapses. Tall people are crap in bed. Your weight may well be proportional, but you've got cellulite that makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic. Get a job, you goddamn leach! You're as useful as a handbrake on a canoe, you clog-hopping simpleton. I love that suit you're wearing. You never throw anything away, do you? Try this maneuver: Take 50-60 paces backwards. Take several deep breaths. Sprint forward at full speed. Do a triple summersault through the air, and disappear up your own asshole.
6.19.2003
!!!!!!!
clown, abandon,--which is in the vulgar leave,--the
society,--which in the boorish is company,--of this
female,--which in the common is woman; which
together is, abandon the society of this female, or,
clown, thou perishest; or, to thy better
understanding, diest; or, to wit I kill thee, make
thee away, translate thy life into death, thy
liberty into bondage: I will deal in poison with
thee, or in bastinado, or in steel; I will bandy
with thee in faction; I will o'errun thee with
policy; I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways:
therefore tremble and depart.
(As You Like It, Act V, scene I)
6.18.2003
6.16.2003
6.15.2003
6.13.2003
algold1's Xanga Site
Whoaaa...huh?
Countdown to site move (http://fearthe1023.tripod.com/): 2
6.12.2003
6.11.2003
6.10.2003
What the HELL? I NEVER hated Vanessa. Well, yeah, but that was only because I was 11 and I hated every girl. Just the opposite in fact. Oh, boy, I hope she doesn't read this before I get to her...ummm...if you see this before I talk to you...don't remember it.
6.09.2003
Reloaded spoilers
This is the follow-up to The Matrix:ReSeussed.
No One Can Tell You (What The Chronic Is)
by Tom
(If The Matrix: Reloaded were a gangsta rap video)
[Music: Fade in background music, distant gunshots, distant sirens. Cross fade to sounds of glasses clinking and women moaning.]
[Visual: The camera pans across the park where, in Reloaded, Neo meets with the Oracle and then fights Agent Smith. A group of Fly Girls are standing up against the walls, waiting.]
Morpheus (speaking, as voice-over): No one can tell you what the chronic is, you have to smoke it for yourself.
[Music: A rap beat begins.]
[Visual: Neo drives up in a tricked-out black convertible, which is visibly shaking from its massive stereo system pounding out the beat. Neo steps out, leans back against the car, takes a final drag on his blunt and tosses it on the ground.]
Neo (rapping):
Yo, Cypher was a zero but I'm the One.
I'm the reloaded hero with the big black gun.
I was born in the Matrix, y'all, back in the hood
but I took the red pill and it went down good
with an Absolut chaser and a twist o' lime.
In the desert of the real I'm a bust a rhyme.
I can walk a tightrope after drinkin' a fifth,
stop a bullet in the air, slap Agent Smith
straight down to the floor, plumb through to the cella,
and I'm mackin' every tasty little Zion cave dwella.
Blowin' into your town like a pimp typhoon,
stirrin' coffee with my mind 'cause there ain't no spoon.
[Visual: the Fly Girls step away from the wall and start a slow, undulating dance.]
Fly Girls (singing):
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself. Ooooh-ooo-ooooh.
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself.
Neo (rapping):
I'm the N to the E-O, a man of means,
mad kung fu skillz to submarine the machines,
now I'm takin' my game to the digitized streets
where the sucka AI's know I can't be beat.
Not afraid of algorithms or electronics --
I trump the chumps 'cause I've got the chronic.
I'm high on the red pill, down with the truth,
if I got to jack out, I got a telephone booth.
I'm the O-N-E and my story's allegorical,
y'all watch me now while I kick it with the Oracle.
[Visual: the Fly Girls' dancing becomes more aggressive and acrobatic.]
Fly Girls (singing):
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself. Ooooh-ooo-oooh.
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
you have to smoke it for yourself.
[Visual: Neo approaches the Oracle. Unlike in the movie, here the Oracle's avatar is a gorgeous young Black woman. She wears a neon pink bikini and lounges in a hot tub. A bottle of champagne sits beside her, and she takes a sip from her glass. She slides out of the hot tub to sit on the edge with her legs dangling in the water. The camera zooms in briefly on water droplets running down her body, then zooms back out.]
Oracle (rapping):
I'm gonna lay the funky rhymes down verse by verse
I predict the last word before I've heard the first.
Put your hands in the air for my Oracle style
'cause I'm from the old school like an ASCII text file.
Neo, you a playa, you the pimp of the Matrix.
Your girl's fine, dressin' like a dominatrix --
haxor skillz and stiletto heels,
give Trinity props, you know she keepin' it real.
Now have a seat Neo 'cause I know you will later.
Cozy up to me, don't be no Oracle-hater.
We both got the munchies so eat this candy.
I knew before I bought it, it would come in handy.
You ask, "Oracle, Oracle, on the wall,
how can I sit back while my shorty takes the fall?
And all the king's softwarez, and all the king's men
can't bring my baby online again."
But Neo you're fakin' like a masquerade,
'cause that's one choice you know you already made.
You came to hear the "why," and I'll tell you for free:
You need a little old guy, looks like a burned-out Bruce Lee
to hit you with the key that will get you through the door.
And once you're in there, yeah you can rock it hard core.
Go see the Merovingian is what I say,
Now my next party's startin' so I'm on my way.
[Visual: a stretch limo pulls up, with Seraph behind the wheel. The Oracle slips into a fancy silk bathrobe, puts on her high heels, and gets into the limo, which drives away.]
Fly Girls (singing):
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
You have to smoke it for yourself. Ooooh-ooo-oooooh.
No one can tell you what the chronic is,
You have to smoke it for yourself.
[Visual: Agent Smith walks up to Neo. He straightens his tie and begins to rap. As he raps, other copies of Smith take up positions all around him.]
Agent Smith (rapping):
Y'all AI-hataz think you bringin' some game?
There's a hundred in my crew, and we all the same.
When one catch a slug, the rest never complain,
and we spreadin' like a virus all through the mainframe.
Often imitated, I'm crazy replicated,
the Smith on my left was some bitch I once dated.
It's gettin' complicated but I'm tellin' you true:
don't go runnin' to your mama 'cause now she's a Smith, too.
If I catch you with my code, I'll load you up with me,
And then you'll be the S to the M-I-T
to the H, that's Smith, there's an endless supply,
so come step to the beat of the gangsta AI.
[Visual: Neo and all the Agent Smiths fight in the "burly brawl" scene. Neo flies away. The Smiths walk away. Only the Fly Girls remain. The picture becomes pixilated, fades to black, then the camera pulls back, revealing that the black background was the iris of the left eye of the lead Fly girl, as if perhaps the entire scene has been only an idea in her mind. She sits on the ground, her back to the wall. She runs her fingers through her hair and stares into the camera.]
Lead Fly Girl (singing solo):
No one can tell me what the chronic is,
I have to smoke it for myself.
Ooooooh-oooo-ooooooh, yeah-yeah.
[Fade out.]
(First published at http://matrixessays.blogspot.com
This article may be freely reproduced if it is unchanged and this notice is included.)
6.08.2003
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